Fathers and Sons

Went out to eat with one of my sons and his fiancé last weekend. Had a great time. Spending time with my boys is something I rarely get to do anymore. It got me thinking about the whole ‘Father-Son’ dynamic. As it is with most men and their sons, this relationship may be tenuous at best, and non-existent at worst. We fathers want our boys to become successful men. Not only in their chosen occupations, but in all aspects of their lives. And with that desire, we tend to appear harsh and judgmental with our ‘constructive criticism’. In turn, we sons want to figure things out for ourselves.  We have a different world view, as we feel we live in a different world. And we think we know far more than that old dinosaur ever will. But as it is written, ‘there is nothing new under the sun’.  When you strip away all the distractions of technology, politics, etc., nothing has ever changed. We parents still make major mistakes. We still carry around huge regrets. We still try to train up our kids the best we can. And they continue to try our patience, cause our hair to turn gray (and even turn loose), they keep us stressed, worried, and cause us to stay up late at night. This has been from the beginning, and will continue to the end.

Was I hard on my sons? Probably, but I truthfully feel that that’s a relative question. My father was a hard man,as was his father, and the father before that. My Dad never told me anything, except what I was doing wrong, which was everything. And this was his way until the day he died last year. (Not whining, just fact.) But his dad wouldn’t say anything at all. He would just haul off and hit you. Usually with his sixty year old sweat hardened felt hat.  (Don’t know which was worse from getting hit, the sting or the gross factor.)  And I won’t even get into how hard my Great-grandfather was. Let’s just say he was a real sweetie.

In other words, an exchange of compliments and niceties were not practiced between the males in my family. Was I any better? Probably not. Just like virtually every other man, I came into fatherhood with a lot of baggage. I had treated people I truly cared about, and who cared about me, with total disregard, and caused them unwarranted pain and sorrow.  I made choices and did such atrocious things that I can’t even talk about them, much less tell my kids. All these things I live with daily. So, there were things I didn’t want my kids to go through, but couldn’t (or wouldn’t) explain why. So, no, I didn’t do as good of a job as I should have. But by God’s merciful grace, three of them have turned into awesome men whom I respect and am truly proud of. Number four currently appears to be out in the world going through all the things I wish I could’ve kept him from. So, not knowing where he is or what he’s doing, I can’t include him in that statement. (And, Son, if you’re reading this, know I am constantly praying you’re doing well.) This I will say without hesitation, I love all my sons. Do they do things that irritate me? Of course. Do they fall in line with everything I taught them? Of course not.  But such is the way of fathers and sons.

Oh, and knowing just how sensitive daughters can be if they’re left out of something, let me add that the dynamics of a Father-Daughter relationship is quite different. For one thing, girls are moody. I mean they can go from giggles to sobs in less than a blink. Though we try to make both our sons and daughters tough and self-reliant, we will rarely jump to our son’s defense, demanding he ‘man up and deal with it’.  When, on the other hand, we find our daughters in tears, we want to go kill someone. And if the reason turns out to be something we did or didn’t do, we get all apologetic. ( I'm talking my generation of fatherhood. Nowadays a lot of boys are treated as if they were the daughters)

Bottom line, if a man’s home is his castle, then his daughters are the princesses. And mine are the most straight-up, flat-out, no holds barred, quintessential personification of princess awesomeness. Even with a basket case for a father, they are truly amazing.